What *is* it with you people and windows?!
— Jason Chesterfield (It's Walky)
%
Haha! Not just cows, **laser cows**! They keep the grass trim.

Just like real cows!

Only with lasers.
— Bob (Gunnerkrigg Court)
%
- Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTOs.
- Real Programmers can write five page long DO loops without getting confused.
- Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements-- they make the code more interesting.
- Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
- Real Programmers don't need comments-- the code is obvious.
— Real Programmers
%
This is an engraving of a Scamps and a shoe by 'Toady One' Adams. The Scamps is striking a menacing pose. The shoe is making a plaintive gesture. The artwork relates to the mortal wounding of a shoe by a Scamps in the late Spring of 2009 during the umpteenth attempted siege of the living room by shoes.
— Dwarf fortress wiki
%
This is *serious business*!
%
Jack Sparrow: Who makes all these?

Will Turner: I do. And I practice with them three hours a day.

Jack Sparrow: You need to find yourself a girl, mate.
— Pirates of the Caribbean
%
Droggelbecher? Droggelbecher.
— Droggelbecher (Droggelbecher)
%
Minecraft ADS:

Aufmerksamkeitsdefizit... SCHAFE!
%
Idiotenhunde!
— Gronkh
%
Everybody stand back.

I know regular expressions.
— xkcd
%
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you.
%
*Ha!*

It'll take **more** than

- being tied to a lit keg of explosives
- and tossed into a pit of acid
- filled with mutant, acid-resistant flying piranhas
- equipped with flame-throwers and battle-axes
- while venomous mechanical, missile-launching *morris dancers*
- armed with liquid nitrogen harpoon guns are overhead; riding giant, rabid killer bees, with side-mounted death rays

to kill **Othar Tryggvassen!**
— Othar Tryggvassen, Gentleman Adventurer (Girl Genius)
%
In your Phase, Cosine!
%
Barbossa: So what now, Jack Sparrow? Are we to be two immortals locked in an epic battle until Judgment Day and trumpets sound?

Jack Sparrow: Or you could surrender.
— Pirates of the Caribbean
%
I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!!!
— Belkar Bitterleaf(Order of the stick)
%
Den Kaktus behalten wir.
%
Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems.
— Things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG 455
%
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
— The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
%
Raise Dead on the turkey
— Gary (The Gamers: Dorkness rising)
%
Hey - wait a second. I know who you are now!

You're that guy! The one who kept getting pissed off at me for not remembering... something.
— Xykon (Order Of The Stick)
%
**DIE BY THE SHELLS OF YOUR FALLEN COMRADES, YOU @#$! TURTLES!**

I'm actually okay with turtles, but these ones kidnap princesses. That's just wrong.
— Grace Sciuridae (El Goonish Shive)
%
Man, is it **uphill** on the way home, too? How is that **possible**?

This campus is a friggin' Escher print.
— Walky (Dumbing of Age)
%
Beware the power of procrastination.
— frei nach "Piled higher and Deeper"
%
I’ve always thought that one of the the great thing about physics is that you can add more digits to any number and see what happens and nobody can stop you.
— xkcd: what if?
%
Urist McMiner cancels drink: Interrupted by carp.
— Dwarf Fortress
%
I am not lazy, I am an effort minimalist.
— The nameless hero (Piled higher and Deeper)
%
Integrieren ist Summieren für Angeber.
— Professor S. Winter
%
So the merchants arrive to see blood and vomit everywhere, us hauling corpses en masse to the graveyard, a couple rampaging elephants

WELCOME TO FUCKING BOATMURDERED!
— StarkRavingMad (Boatmurdered)
%
You can wield a sword, shield, and crutch all in one hand, so even if you are missing an arm then you're all set. If you are missing both arms but still have both legs then unfortunately you'll be limited to biting, dodging, and wrestling with legs. If you're missing both arms and one leg then your movement will be limited and you'll be limited to biting and wrestling with your one remaining leg. And if all limbs are missing then you'll be limited to rolling around on the ground biting things.
— Dwarf fortress wiki
%
Rufus: "*seufz* Was für eine Frau."

Doc: "Spinnst du? Sie wird uns alle umbringen!"

Rufus: "Ich finde sie lässig."
— Chaos auf Deponia
%
I tremble in the presence of your terrifying skills of gardening, Ysengrin.
— Renard (Gunnerkrigg Court)
%
Rekursion kann töricht sein.
— Prof. Simon
%
Ich bin Guybrush Threepwood, ein mächtiger Pirat.
— Guybrush Threepwood (Monkey Island)
%
Gil: "Are you kidding?! **Look** at that thing!"

Agatha: "**Yesterday**, you took out a **whole army** of **clanks**!"

Gil: "**That** was a **small army**. **This** is a **big spider**!"
— Girl Genius
%
Holy shit.

Guys.

People are *complicated*!
— xkcd
%
Honey Badger don't care. Honey Badger don't give a shit.
%
Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger
— Badger song
%
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
— Zork
%
'Quick, you must come with me,' she said. 'You're in great danger!'

'Why?'

'Because I will kill you if you don't.'
— Conina and Rincewind (Sourcery)
%
Meine Anfrage Betreffs Meinzerhagen konterte der Computer mit einer Gegenfrage — ich sollte die Endzielangaben konkretisieren:

»Wollen Sie nach Meinzerhagen-Bausparkasse, Meinzerhagen-Apotheke, Meinzerhagen-Stadthalle oder Meinzerhagen-Valbert?«

Wenn der Computer selbst anfängt, Fragen zu stellen, dann ist das ein schlechtes Zeichen. Dieses Überangebot an Endstationen konnte nur eins bedeuten: dass es in Meinzerhagen keinen Bahnhof gibt.
— Wladimir Kaminer, Mein deutsches Dschungelbuch
%
Wenn ich in einem Supermarkt Produkt A suche, dann überlege ich mir, wo man es denn sinnvollerweise hinpacken könnte und suche dann woanders. Das klappt erstaunlich gut.
%
The website is not clean and simple enough! We need to add more stuff until it is!
— Clients From Hell
%
I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad can it? Of course not.
— Bastard Operator From Hell
%
Erstens: Pläne finden

Zweitens: Welt retten

Drittens: **raus** aus meinem Haus!
— Dr. Fred Edison (Day of the tentacle)
%
Excuse me, but **real** programmers use butterflies.
— xkcd
%
Haha! Watch, as human technology crumbles before me!
— Renard (Gunnerkrigg Court)
%
»Im Stadtmuseum gibt es einen erhaltenen Rattenkönig. Er schwimmt in einem großen Glas mit Alkohol.«

»Ist er tot?«

»Oder sehr, sehr betrunken.«
— Maurice der Kater
%
ROMANES EVNT DOMVS
— Das Leben des Brian
%
Dupree. When I say the words "**Alive and unharmed**"—

—do **any** neurons actually **fire** in that brain of yours?
— Baron Wulfenbach (Girl Genius)
%
You have finished eating the rotten kobold corpse.
— nethack (after I accidently hit the wrong keys)
%
Im Forsthaus kniet bei Kerzenschimmer
die Foersterin im Herrenzimmer.
In dieser wunderschoenen Nacht
hat sie den Foerster umgebracht.
Er war ihr bei des Heimes Pflege
seit langer Zeit schon im Wege.
So kam sie mit sich ueberein:
am Niklasabend muss es sein.
Und als das Rehlein ging zur Ruh',
das Haeslein tat die Augen zu,
erlegte sie direkt von vorn
den Gatten ueber Kimme und Korn.
— Loriot, Advent
%
Früher war mehr Lametta!
— Opa Hoppenstedt
%
The proper term is 'smite evil', not 'bump uglies'.
— Miko (Order of the Stick)
%
Damn you, Willis!
— typische Aussage von Fans der Webcomics von David Willis
%
Look at you. Flying through the air majesticly. Like an eagle... piloting a blimp.
— GLaDOS (Portal 2)
%
<Patrician|Away> what does your robot do, sam

<bovril> it collects data about the surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls
— bash.org
%
Herr, die Noth ist groß,

Die ich rief die Geister

Werd ich nun nicht los
— Goethe, Der Zauberlehrling
%
KEINE PANIK
— Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis
%
Look behind you! A three-headed monkey!
— Monkey Island
%
Rule #4: No dynamite
— Precocious
%
Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
— Murphy's law
%
Na prima!
— D. Kacso
%
Oooh! Hört ihr das Geschwister? Es tut ihm leid. Es tut ihm leid, dass er die fünfte Legion zu unserem amtlichen Hauptquartier geführt hat. Nun... alles in Ordnung, Brian! Setz dich! Nimm die nen Keks! Machs dir schön bequem! **Du ARSCH!**
— Das Leben des Brian
%
I prepared explosive runes this morning.
— Order of the Stick
%
The cake is a lie!
— Portal
%
Late? It's barely 3am!
— xkcd
%
Dem Genie gewährt man immer ein wenig Spielraum, nachdem man ihm den Hammer aus der Hand genommen und das Blut aufgewischt hat.
— Terry Pratchett, „Der Zeitdieb“
%
That is what forgiveness sounds like: screaming and then silence.
— Llamas with hats
%
»We connected a computer's CPU directly into a rat's cerebral cortex!«

»Amazing! And what were your findings?«

»Rats **hate** that!«
— Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
%
Der Zeitmaschinenkongress? Der war gestern.
— Nichtlustig
%
Es gibt keine dummen Fragen, nur dumme Menschen.
%
Root, Gott… wo ist der Unterschied?
%
Gravity is only a theory.
— Intelligent falling
%
Er ist tot, Jim.
— Leonard McCoy
%
Wooooo! I'm invisible!
— Elan (Order of the Stick)
%
There was a young lady named Bright,
Whose speed was far faster than light;
She started one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
%
Tatsächlich […] schienen die Riddles alle bei bester Gesundheit zu sein — abgesehen von der Tatsache, dass sie alle tot waren.
— Harry Potter und der Feuerkelch
%
Ich bin Brian! Und meine Frau ist auch Brian!
— Das Leben des Brian
%
Wir brauchen Waffeln. Viele Waffeln.
%
Copyleft! All rights reversed!
%
Cooking may be an art, based on skill and talent, but baking… is **science**!
— Precocious
%
Baking is **wonderful**! It's like **science** for **hungry people**!
— Hannelore (Questionable Content)
%
»Uuärrh« war aus Harrys Sicht eine ziemlich treffende Beschreibung der Knallrümpfigen Kröter.
— Harry Potter und der Feuerkelch
%
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
— The Rolling Stones, Sympathy for the devil
%
Wasser ist auch eine Chemikalie.
%
Da steh ich nun, ich armer Tor,
und bin so klug als wie zuvor.
— Faust (Faust. Der Tragödie erster Teil)
%
…sniarB
— der Zombieruderer
%
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'
— Isaac Asimov
%
DER SCHWARZE RITTER IST UNBESIEGBAR!
%
And now for something completely different.
— Monty Python
%
Was bin ich, brutal? Ich geb' auch gleich brutal!
%
Zen hotline? I am **freaking out**. I need **inner peace**.

**Gimme some inner peace!**
— sinfest
%
Es gibt ja "Eiland", es gibt aber auch den Heiland.

Komisch eigentlich.
— Gronkh
%
Riesige Ölvorkommen in Australien gefunden. Tut mir ja leid für die armen Australier. Jetzt kommen bestimmt die Amis und bringen Demokratie. Mit dem Langstreckenbomber.
— Fefe
%
This is not the web page you are looking for.
— the github 404 page
%
Put a banana in your ear!
— Charlie the unicorn 2
%
- My god.
- yep.
- What are "hippies"?
- The most violent humans in history.
— SMBC
%
Any sentence that starts with the words "I'm not prejudiced, but...", or similar formations ("I'm not racist, but...", "I'm not homophobic", "not sexist", etc.) is likely to contradict itself very rapidly.
%
Kochen in einer WG bedeutet zweierlei: Erstens Spülen vor dem Kochen, um die benötigten Utensilien benutzen zu können, Zweitens Spülen nach dem Kochen, damit einem die anderen nicht vorwerfen können, nicht zu spülen.
%
What would a pirate do?
— Pastafarianismus
%
Ausnahmen bestätigen die Regelstudienzeit.
%
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say
— Sting, Englishman in New York
%
Kikrost Vúshnakuth has grown to become a Prisoner.
— Dwarf fortress
%
Did you really name your son Robert'); DROP TABLE Students;-- ?
— xkcd
%
Brillengläser haben die mysteriöse Eigenschaft, Fett und anderen Schmutz aus Abständen von bis zu fünf Metern anzuziehen.
%
Mathematics is hard. If it isn't hard, you're not progressing fast enough.
%
Sänk ju for träwelling wiss Deutsche Bahn.
— Deutsche Bahn
%
Laziness takes effort.
%
What is the airspeed velocity of an unloaden swallow?
— The bridgekeeper (Monty Python and the holy grail)
%
Question.

How is this relevant to cake?
— Justin (El Goonish Shive)
%
On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
— King Arthur (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
%
It's hard to debug through tears of laughter.
— xkcd wiki
%
Norrington: "No additional shot nor powder, a compass that doesn't point north...(looks at Jack's sword) And I half expected it to be made of wood. You are without doubt the worst pirate I've ever heard of."

**Captain** Jack Sparrow: "But you have heard of me."
— Pirates of the Caribbean
%
Ich bin ein Zauberer und kein Pavian, der einen Stock schwingt.
— Harry Potter und der Halbblutprinz
%
There is always one more bug.
%
In those days… men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
— The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
%
**IN YOUR INTERFACE!**
%
Spam, Egg, Spam, Spam, Bacon and Spam
— Monty Python, Spam
%
No, not **ties**!

I don't even want to learn how to **tie** a tie!
— Walky (It's Walky)
%
Wie ich es hasse, immer Recht zu behalten.
— Ian Malcolm (Jurassic Park (Film))
%
Es sind die kleinen Dinge, die das Leben unbequem machen.
%
But chocolate is so delicious...
— Tiffany Et (Precocious)
%
MINT CHOCOLATE IS BLASPHEMY!
— Bud Oven (Precocious)
%
OW!

The plastic, It hurts!
— El Goonish Shive
%
Wenn es zu schön klingt, um wahr zu sein, ist es das vermutlich auch.
%
A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
— War Games
%
The spinning snow strikes The Trader in the head, bruising the muscle, jamming the skull through the brain and tearing the brain!

The Trader has been knocked unconscious!

Themiyi Sofilaci, Trader has been shot and killed.
— Dwarf fortress
%
42
— Deep Thought
%
Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's dictionary
%
Just got one of them feelin's that my twin bro's about to do something rash an' stupid.

But after feelin' it the thirty millionth time, ah've really stopped carin'
— Sal (Joyce and Walky!)
%
"C" is for **c**oding...

"C" is for **c**ompiling...

"C" is for **c**omputer **c**rashing...

"C" is for **c**ookie break.

(And that's good enough for me.)
— PHD Comic
%
Caaaaaarl...
— Paul (Llamas with hats)
%
Cecilia: "I'm quitting chocolate..."

Tajel: "ARE YOU CRAZY WOMAN? Stronger women have tried and failed! FAILED!!
— PHD Comic
%
You guys are freaking me out. Turn this thing off!
— Charlie (Charlie the unicorn II)
%
”What did she say?“

”She hit me on the head with the rock again.“

”I think I can confirm that that was my daughter.“

”Sweet kid.“

”You have to get to know her,“ said Arthur.

”She eases up does she?“

”No,“ said Arthur, ”but you get a better sense of when to duck.“
— Ford Prefect & Arthur Dent (Mostly Harmless)
%
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.
— "Still Alive", Portal
%
Die Mäuse möchten euch jetzt sprechen.
— Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis
%
Die ersten zehn Millionen Jahre waren die schlimmsten. Die zweiten zehn Millionen Jahre, die waren auch die schlimmsten. Die dritten zehn Millionen Jahre haben mir überhaupt keinen Spaß gemacht.
— Marvin (Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums)
%
Auf dem Rückweg sangen sie eine Reihe wohlklingender und beschaulicher Lieder über Frieden, Gerechtigkeit, Moral, Bildung, Sport, Familienleben und die Vernichtung aller anderen Lebensformen.
— Das Leben, das Universum und der ganze Rest
%
You will always remember this as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.
— Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the caribbean - The Curse Of The Black Pearl)
%
Well, I trust it you will always remember this as the day that Captain Jack Sparrow almost escaped.
— Commodore Norrington (Pirates of the caribbean - The Curse Of The Black Pearl)
%
NYET! The evil stops here!
— Pitr (Userfriendly)
%
Die Ente bleibt draußen.
— Herr Müller Lüdenscheidt
%
Dude! We have FIVE METRIC FUCKTONS of prepared food! We're not low on food!
— Keyboard Fox (Boatmurdered)
%
-"War hier nicht irgendwo eine Plasmakanone?"

-"Nein, die hast du dem Waisenhaus gespendet."
— Artemis Fowl - Das magische Tor
%
Eglamore: "Carver! What happened now?"

Antimony: "Nothing too serious! But I suggest running."
— Gunnerkrigg Court
%
Xykon: "Has anyone seen her since?"

Jirix: "No."

M.i.t.d.: "No."

Redcloak: "Not since I since I brutally murdered her ten minutes ago, no."
— Order of the Stick
%
Sieh mal: Eigentum ist Diebstahl, stimmt's? Folglich ist Diebstahl Eigentum. Und folglich gehört dies Raumschiff mir. Okay?
— Zaphod Beeblebrox (Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums)
%
Still better than winter.
— Kaitlyn (Copper Road)
%
-"Hein zeigt uns gerade, wie schnell Tunnelratten graben können."
-"Ach wie schön, dass er das in unserem Wohnzimmer tut."
— Käpt'n Blaubär
%
Zeige ihnen einen roten Kometenschweif, jage ihnen eine dumpfe Angst ein, und sie werden aus ihren Häusern laufen und sich die Beine brechen. Aber sage ihnen einen vernünftigen Satz und beweise ihn mit sieben Gründen, und sie werden dich einfach auslachen.
— Bertolt Brecht
%
The recruits (minus all those drinking, eating, and sleeping) Let out a mighty shout and charge! For the glory of Boatmurdered! No one can fault their bravery

Only their results.
— Bremen (Boatmurdered)
%
Einrückungen im Code?! Ich zeige Dir wie man einrückt wenn ich Deinen Schädel einrücke.
— Klingonischer Programmierer
%
Wenn ich gewinne, wird man sagen, ich sei ein Genie, wenn ich verliere, wird es heißen, ich sei übergeschnappt. So wird Geschichte geschrieben.
— Artemis Fowl
%
Guten Morgen! Wir wollen hier keine Abenteuer, vielen Dank!
— Bilbo Beutlin (Der kleine Hobbit)
%
You need an aqueduct.

The aqueduct needs to be made of stone.

You just murdered dozens of our BEST TRADING PARTNERS, YOU BASTARD.
— Mystic Mongol (Boatmurdered)
%
IT IS NOT A NECK BEARD IT IS A HEAT SINK
— PT410x (Questionable Content)
%
**AMAZI-GIRL**™ is immune to criticism.
— Shortpacked
%
Und mit Großmut und Tapferkeit
sprach er "Ich bin's leid,
macht euren Mist mal allein, ich muss weg".
— Hussa (Deponia)
%
Hoch die Tassen! Merkel spricht Zensursula ihr Vertrauen aus. Die ist so gut wie weg.
— Fefe
%
You Bastards!

Tough I was dead, did not you? Vell, I'm not, but soon yur going to be, because I'm going to kill you dead, d'yah hear me? D-E-D, Dead!
— Hunk (The Gamers)
%
I'd rebel, but it'd make my parents mad.
— Joyce (Dumbing of Age)
%
- "I think our main problem is our unclear definition of value."
- "THAT IS NOT YOUR MAIN PROBLEM!"
— xkcd
%
Lilli war begeistert. Sie hatte noch niemals einen lebendigen Clown aus der Nähe gesehen.

Nur den toten, der Nachts immer vor ihrem Fenster stand.
— Harveys neue Augen
%
Setz dich und nerv deine Omma!
— Ursel E.
%
Ich lasse mir von einem kaputten Fernseher nicht vorschreiben, wann ich ins Bett zu gehen habe!
— Loriot - Der kaputte Fernseher
%
Rufus hat die Kernschmelze im Schulreaktor erzeugt.
— Deponia
%
Shit, we're dealing with a *sysadmin*.
— xkcd
%
No capes!
— Edna (The Incredibles)
%
That's the **worst** filing system I've **ever seen**.
— Gilgamesh Wulfenbach (Girl Genius)
%
Dieses war der erste Streich, doch der zweite folgt sogleich.
— Wilhelm Busch, Max und Moritz
%
Now can we PLEASE resume saving the world?
— Vaarsuvius (Order of the Stick)
%
Durch die Tür hinaus, zur linken Reihe, jeder nur ein Kreuz.
— Das Leben des Brian
%
Sorry, für den Anglizismus!
— GermanBash.org
%
I thought the point was to procrastinate from real work.
— Nameless Hero (PHD Comic)
%
Strike the earth!
— Dwarf Fortress
%
Seht mich an, ein Gehirn von der Größe eines Planeten, und man verlangt von mir, euch in die Kommandozentrale zu bringen. Nennt man das vielleicht berufliche Erfüllung?
— Marvin (Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis)
%
Ein Handtuch ist so ungefähr das Nützlichste, was der interstellare Anhalter besitzen kann.
— Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis
%
Der Kerl ist auf 'ner intergalaktischen Kreuzfahrt… in seinem **Büro**?
— Zaphod Beeblebrox (Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums)
%
»Was glauben Sie eigentlich, wer Sie sind, Schätzchen? Zaphod Beeblebrox oder was?«

»Zähl die Köpfe.«
— Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums
%
Es gibt eine Theorie, die besagt, wenn jemals irgendwer genau herausfindet, wozu das Universum da ist und warum es da ist, dann verschwindet es auf der Stelle und wird durch etwas noch Bizarreres und Unbegreiflicheres ersetzt.

Es gibt eine andere Theorie, nach der das schon passiert ist.
— Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums
%
Oh nein, nicht schon wieder!
— Der Petunientopf (Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis)
%
Macht's gut und danke für den vielen Fisch.
— Die letzte Botschaft der Delphine an die Menschen (Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis)
%
Größtenteils harmlos.
— Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis (über die Erde)
%
Zweiundvierzig! Ist das alles, nach siebeneinhalb Millionen Jahren Denkarbeit?
— Luunquoal (Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis)
%
»Ford, wie viele Fluchtkapseln gibt es hier?«

»Keine.«

»Hast du sie **gezählt**?«

»Zweimal.«
— Zaphod und Ford (Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums)
%
Ausdenken? Warum sollte ich mir etwas ausdenken wollen? Das Leben ist doch so schon schlimm genug, da muss man doch nicht noch was dazuerfinden.
— Marvin (Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums)
%
Derpy ist leider grad im Urlaub.

Genau wie die Shader hier...
— Gronkh - Let's Play Minecraft
%
Greif zu und genieße.
— Nutri-Matic-Getränke-Synthesizer (Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums)
%
Mein Name ist Roosta, und das hier ist mein Handtuch.
— Roosta (Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums)
%
Was für eine deprimierend dämliche Maschine.
— Marvin (Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums)
%
Der *Anhalter* ist endgültig. Die Wirklichkeit ist öfter ungenau.
— Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums
%
If I let **everyone** I thought was an idiot die — there wouldn't be many people **left**.
— Gilgamesh Wulfenbach (Girl Genius)
%
**Oh my god!** We get to do his **gardening!** How **cool** is that?!
— Dominic Deegan
%
Wer A sagen kann, kann in Null Komma nichts auch Binomialkoeffizient sagen!
— eine Tratschwelle (Die 13½ Leben des Käpt'n Blaubär)
%
Oh god! Sticky and now it can bite back!
— Matilda (DMFA)
%
Nirok: "Hehe, ich hab' Kekse gebacken."

Turin: "Das ist toll, aber… wir möchten Bier."

Nirok: "Ich hab' Kekse aus Bier gebacken."

Turin: "Ähh… Was? Aus Bier und was?"

Nirok: "Pilze. Das ist lecker."

Turin: "Das ist ekelhaft!"

Nirok: "Es sind Kekse!"
— Die Legende von Ungrashzon
%
Viele, die leben, verdienen den Tod. Und manche, die sterben, verdienen das Leben. Kannst du es ihnen geben? Dann sei nicht so rasch mit einem Todesurteil bei der Hand.
— Gandalf (Der Herr der Ringe)
%
Misch dich nicht in die Angelegenheiten von Zauberern ein, denn sie sind schwierig und rasch erzürnt.
— Gildor (Der Herr der Ringe)
%
Work hard or you're going to turn into Mike Slackenerny!"
— PHD Comics
%
Wonderful girl! Either I'm gonna kill her, or I'm beginning to like her!
— Han Solo (A New Hope)
%
Jeder Grund zu prokrastinieren ist ein guter Grund.
%
»Weißt du«, sagte Arthur, »in Augenblicken wie jetzt, wo ich mit einem Mann von Beteigeuze in einer vogonischen Druckschleuse gefangen sitze und jeden Moment tief im Weltraum an Erstickung sterben muss, da wünsche ich mir wirklich, ich hätte auf meine Mutter gehört, als ich noch klein war.«

»Wieso, was hat sie denn gesagt?«

»Ich weiß es nicht, ich habe ja nicht zugehört.«
— Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis
%
Alle Türen in diesem Raumschiff sind heiter und fröhlich gestimmt. Es ist ihnen eine Freude, sich für Sie zu öffnen, und eine große Befriedigung, sich wieder zu schließen und zu wissen, dass sie gute Arbeit geleistet haben.
— Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis
%
Eine der größten Schwierigkeiten im Verhältnis zu Zaphod bestand für Trillian darin, unterscheiden zu lernen, wann er sich dumm stellte, um Leute aus der Reserve zu locken, wann er sich dumm stellte, weil er im Moment nicht überlegen und das Denken jemand anderem überlassen wollte, wann er sich unverschämt dumm stellte, um zu verbergen, dass er wirklich nicht wusste, worum es gerade ging, und wann er wirklich und wahrhaftig dumm war.
— Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis
%
Der Sommer hat jetzt offiziell begonnen. Bei der Bahn fallen die ersten Züge wegen Klimaanlagenproblemen aus.
— Fefe
%
YOU KILLED THE WACKY OLD DUDE WITH THE CAT?!?!?
— Belkar (The Order of the Stick
%
Now you may immediately notice that there's two things missing from this video. One: Most of my hair, and two: Dan.

I feel you pain, I miss my hair as well.
— Gav (Slo Mo Guys)
%
If you are reading this, you probably are procrastinating right now.
— TVtropes
%
The {☼rotten quarry bush leaves roast [40]☼} strikes The Dwarven Child in the right upper leg, shattering the bone through the (giant cave spider silk cloak)!
— Dwarf Fortress
%
Jenny: "Did you bring me a sandwich?"

Belkar: "Well, there are exactly two sandwiches here, aren't there?

So no, I didn't bring you a sandwich. They're both for me."
— The Order of the Stick
%
Gannji: "Get your blue ass up."

Enor: "But the Elf said to sit on my hands."

Gannji: "You don't have hands you moron! You have claws!"

Enor: "Oh yeah."

Gannji: "For the record, you'll also be safe if it tells you to sit on your brain."
— The Order of the Stick
%
CMake ist schwarze Magie. Alle haben Angst davor, nur wenige beherrschen es, du musst eine geheimnissvolle Sprache sprechen, wenn du es verwendest und ein gelegentliches Blutopfer kann nicht schaden.
%
If you give a dwarf a fire, he will be warm for a night. If you set a dwarf on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life.
— Dwarf fortress wiki
%
Everything is better with pirates.
— Lodge (The Gamers: Dorkness Rising)
%
Es tut uns leid, Ihr Passwort muss mindestens einen Großbuchstaben, zwei Ziffern, ein Symbol, eine inspirierende Nachricht, einen Zauberspruch, ein Gang-Logo, eine Hieroglyphe und das Blut einer Jungfrau enthalten.
— ibash
%
Elan: "Belkar kicked me in the face by accident."

Belkar: "Sorry about that. I though you were Roy."
— The Order of the Stick
%
Noah: "I have no name. I am mysterious.

Dex: "Cool."
— El Goonish Shive
%
Die spinnen, die Römer!
— Obelix
%
Was für Vollversager haben wir denn da? Die sind ja selbst zum Lügen zu dämlich! Das ist doch die einzige Kernkompetenz, die Politiker haben!! Nicht mal lügen können die?!
— Fefe
%
Calvin: IT'S NOT FAIR!

Calvin's dad: "The world isn't fair, Calvin."

Calvin: "I know, but why is it never unfair in my favor?"
— Calvin and Hobbes
%
Ich bin Fiorell, hoheitlicher Kabcar, Lodrik Bardri¢, Herrscher von Tarpol, Held von Dujulev, Reformator und Gegenreformator in einer Person und Bezwinger der borasgotanischen Truppen an allen Fronten. Mein Herr, seine Majestät Perdór der Pralinige, König von Ilfaris, Bezwinger unzähliger Leckereien und Schlemmereien, Torten, Kuchen und Konfekt, entbietet seinen ehrlichsten, aufrichtigsten Gruß.
— Fiorell (Der Orden der Schwerter)
%
Die biologische Systematik wird manchmal als Wissenschaft, manchmal auch als Kunst bezeichnet, aber in Wirklichkeit ist sie ein Schlachtfeld.
— Bill Bryson, Eine kurze Geschichten von fast allem
%
Für dumm verkaufen ist Marketing, an Dumm verkaufen ist Vertrieb.
%
Der kürzeste Weg zum Herzen einer Frau führt durch die Rippen. Es funktioniert nur, wenn du die Klinge waagerecht hältst, sonst bleibst du in den Knochen stecken.
— Walkjakov (Die Magie des Herrschers)
%
I'm going to preform a manual override on this wall.
— Wheatley (Portal 2)
%
thecanvashat: "Amber was Amazigirl? Holy—"

SUGauthor: "The real question is, can we still pretend she’s not and get away with it?"
%
Who on earth drinks coffee with their tacos stuffed with spaghetti?

…

Wait, why is the taco stuffed with spaghetti?
%
I don't kill people. That is… that is my least favourite thing to do.
— Carl (Llamas with hats)
%
Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here some advice the lab boys gave me: Do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
— Cave Johnson (Portal 2)
%
When teachers complain, "You are not working at your full potential!"

Don't worry too much.

They complain **way** more when you do.
— Randall Munroe
%
»Was ist das Größte, was Sie mit einem Feuerball erledigt haben?«

»Ein Tiger.«

»Oh. Erzählen Sie das lieber nicht Greenpeace. Tiger stehen auf der Roten Liste der gefährdeten Arten.«

»Nicht so ein Tiger. Ein Panzerkampfwagen VI Ausführung E.«
— Der Schwarze Mond  über Soho
%
-SCOTT!

-WHAT?

-WATCH OUT! IT'S THAT ONE GUY!

-OK, THANK YOU, WALLACE!
— Scott Pilgrim's precious little life
%
Eine Diskussion zweier Russen über Kant endete mit einem Kopfschuss mit einer Luftdruckpistole. Soviel ist klar: Den Kategorischen Imperativ haben die noch nicht gänzlich verstanden.
— Fefe
%
»Es war ein ganz gewöhnlicher Kuchen«, sagte der Inspektor. »Der Untersuchungsbericht liegt mir bereits vor.«

Ein ganz gewöhnlicher Kuchen? Ein höheres Lob würde Mrs Mullets Backkünsten wohl nie wieder zuteil werden.
— Flavia de Luce - Mord im Gurkenbeet
%
Tuxedo Overalls???
— Rudy (Kevin & Kell)
%
Galasso: Promise me your firstborn, then.

Amber: **Second**-born.

Galasso: Deal.
— Shortpacked!
%
Es gibt keinen Grund, doppelte Negative nicht zu verwenden.
%
Darf man es eigentlich noch "Serviervorschlag" nennen, wenn das Produkt nicht darauf abgebildet ist?
— S. Z.
%
- That… didn't… taste… like… hospital… food…
- 'course not! Hospital food doesn't **have** any taste.
— Corrie/Ralph (Kevin & Kell)
%
Ich werde ewig leben, oder beim Versuch sterben.
%
Roddy! What are you doing here?
— Buddy Champ Oven (Precocious)
%
- "Personnel is looking for one hundred monkeys to bang on one hundred typewriters for an infinite period of time"
- "For what?"
- "Writing software manuals."
— Kell/Kevin (Kevin & Kell)
%
Actually, "Not Ralph" is a default setting.
— Kevin (Kevin & Kell)
%
- **DAMN**! I JUST REWROTE THE **ENTIRE LINUX KERNEL**!
- When did you learn how to code?
- **TODAY**!
— Greg and Mike (Userfriendly)
%
All roulette should be Russian so we improve the species faster.
— cracked.com
%
Ich brauche jetzt nur noch unendlich viele Affen, die meine Masterarbeit fertig schreiben.
%
OhGodOhGodOhGodI'mGoingToMissTheDeadlineWhyDoISleepSoMuch
— Mink (DMFA)
%
- "So instead of paying attention in English you passed around the room a cartoon about the teacher?"
- "Not exactly… I posted it on my website… Fiona downloaded it onto her MyTree page… someone in India animated it with flash… and an Argentine student put it on YouTube. From there it went viral!"
— Fran and Rudy (Kevin & Kell)
%
Wer mit Ungeheuern kämpft, mag zusehn, dass er nicht dabei zum Ungeheuer wird. Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
— Nietzsche
%
Basically, don't worry about time.

Until it's too late.
— Professor Smith (PhD Comics)
%
This is Gideon. When would it be convenient for you to die?
— Gideon (Scott Pilgrim vs. The Universe)
%
- “Do you always refer to him by his full name?”
- “Who, Steven Stills? Yes.”
— Knives Chau (17 years old) and Scott Pilgrim (Scott Pilgrim's precious little life)
%
I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
— GLaDOS (Portal)
%
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived.
— GLaDOS (Portal 2)
%
Gideon stole the Power Of Love! What a dick!
— Scott Pilgrim's finest hour
%
I don't care too much for money

Money can't buy me love
— The Beatles: Money can't buy me love
%
Stupid girls and their stupid pretty smiles.
— Walky (It's Walky!)
%
The way you say it's not a "big deal" is what **makes** it a big deal, you moron.
— Paulo (BCB)
%
Of course you know this means war!
— Groucho Marx
%
Aber wissen Sie, man kann sich ja nur irgendwo hin fassen, wenn dann nur am Kopf.
— Heinz Erhardt
%
Quentyn: "SQUIDGE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY MOTHER'S KITCHEN??"

Squidge: "Eatin' pie."

Quentyn: "I can **see that**, but **why are you here??**

Squidge: "…cause this where pie is."
— Tales of the Questor
%
This can all result in the land being saved from a horde of extremely feeble monsters by a strangely competent chronic insomniac.
— TVtropes
%
Bielefeld existiert nicht.
%
Really, the comforting side in most conspiracy theory arguments is the one claiming that anyone who's in power has any plan at all.
— xkcd
%
OH MY GOD. Sankis is on a bloody rampage! He mauled a baby and a cow, and now, at this very instant, he's beating the Elite Marksdwarf Kadol Lokumad into paste!

DID I MENTION HE IS ON FUCKING FIRE!??
— mariguana (Boatmurdered)
%
Seagull: "Sieh es ein: Der dritte Rufus hat es auch vermasselt."

Rufus: "Der dritte Rufus hat es nicht vermasselt!"

***ring ring***

Rufus: "Nanu? Was ist das? Mein Babyfon klingelt. Ja? Hallo?"

Dritter Rufus: "ICH HABE ES VERMASSEEEEEEELLLT!!!!!"

Rufus: "Mhm. Alles klar. Danke."
— Goodbye Deponia
%
Yeah, if you take it this seriously, you're a fuckin' nerd too.
— Faye (Questionable Content)
%
Dear diary,

yesterday, I put in a simple request regarding the door to the garden, but, seemingly out of sheer spite, the authorities refused to hold the door open long enough for me to decide whether I'll go inside or outside…

or inside…

or outside…
— Sad Cat Diary
%
We had a problem with one of the desserts. Our attentions are focused on freeing Tiffany, who has been adhered to the floor.
— Bud Oven (Precocious)
%
I think there's no actual porn here. You're just turned on by filesystems.
— xkcd
%
Thank you so much! I don't know **how** our prized lockpicking gorilla escaped, but…
— El Goonish Shive
%
So it appears that Iron Man is either powered by Open Source software or made of Lego. I’m not sure which is cooler.
— Deeper Design
%
I hate when people take photos of their meal instead of eating it, because there's nothing I love more than the sound of other people chewing.
— xkcd
%
Oh, well, bureaucracy is like an onion. You have to peel through layer after layer after layer, and you’re crying the whole way through.
%
Elliot: "He's doomed."

Susan: "He's an ass."

Elliot: "He's a doomed ass."
— El Goonish Shive
%
Kaitlyn: "So your fate rests on my mother's ability to cover for you."

Ursula: "Then it's over. All is lost."
— Precocious
%
There's no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people.
— Greg (Userfriendly)
%
Sieh mich an! Warum warte ich zu nachtschlafender Zeit auf den Bus?! Das ist unnatürlich und ungesund!
— Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes)
%
java's memory handling strategy can generally be described in three words

"om nom nom"
— xkcdb
%
»Wir werden streiken«, schrie Vrumfondel.

»Genau!«, stimmte Magikweis zu. »Dann habt ihr einen landesweiten Philosophenstreik am Hals!
— Per Anhalter durch die Galaxis
%
»Hör zu, Ich bin Zaphod Beeblebrox, mein Vater war Zaphod Beeblebrox der Zweite, mein Großvater Zaphod Beeblebrox der Dritte...«

»Was?«

»Es passierte irgendein Unglück mit einem Kondom und einer Zeitmaschine.«
— Das Restaurant am Ende des Universums
%
Despite Blue constantly claiming how much better he is than Red, he's lost literally **every** fight with Red so far sometimes in a matter of minutes. Considering the fact that Red can't get out of a fucking supermarket without making it into a freaking ordeal, that's saying something.
— tvtropes über Twitch Plays Pokémon
%
```
source .bash\_history
```
— Kai K.
%
<patagonicus> Finde es lustiger, Cloud immer durch Clown zu ersetzen. "We’re a Clown based business!" "We store our data in the Clown!"
— german-bash.org
%
For instance, the way to maximize acceleration is to thrust straight downward; however, thrusting downward is clearly not a viable course of action for a rocket intending to reach orbit.[citation needed]
— Gravity drag (Wikipedia)
%
The misguided search for a perpetual motion machine has run substantially longer than any attempted perpetual motion machine.
— xkcd
%
For clarification, the temperature was 40-42 degrees Celsius, no cloud cover, blazing sunshine, fire danger rating critical. The Bureau of Meteorology estimated sunburn occurring in approximately 11 minutes… and Google thinks it's snowing.
— the daily wtf
%
Assuming estimated average cruising airspeed of an unladen European swallow | Use estimated average cruising airspeed of an unladen African swallow instead
— Wolfram Alpha
%
Don't question why she needs to be so free
she'll tell you it's the only way to be.
— The Rolling Stones, "Ruby Tuesday"
%
I know my subconscious, and it should never be allowed to run rampant in my audiovisual cortex.
— Marten (Questionable Content)
%
HINT: People who make buttumptions about their regex scripts, will be embarbutted when they repeat this mbuttive mistake.
— The Daily WTF
%
If you wanted to stay lost forever, you made one mistake.

You took my hat.

I like my hat.
— The hat guy (xkcd)
%
Obwohl Quarks viel zu klein sind, als dass sie eine Farbe, einen Geschmack oder irgendeine andere erkennbare physikalische Eigenschaft haben könnten, gruppierte man sie in sechs Kategorien: up, down, strange, charm, top und bottom. Die Physiker bezeichnen diese Gruppen seltsamerweise als »Geschmäcker« (flavors) und unterteilen sie nochmals in drei »Farben«: rot, grün und blau. (Die Begriffe wurden in Kalifornien zur Zeit der psychedelischen Drogen geprägt ­— man hat den Verdacht, dass dies kein Zufall war.)
— Bill Bryson, Eine kurze Geschichte von fast allem
%
You're surprised? She's outsmarted us before, right?

I mean, if they write this down, they ain't gonna be calling it "Boy Genius."
— Captain Dupree (Girl Genius)
%
- "He's going to be a grad student, just like his daddy!"
- "He can't be grad student!"
- "Why not? It's a noble profession!"
- "Mike, being a student is NOT a profession."
— PhD comics
%
Für einen Rechner, der Windows ausführt, wurde der Begriff WC vorgeschlagen.
— GNU philosophy: words to avoid
%
All your Bayes are belong to us.
%
Lee: "It's a blood plasma screen."

Cedrik: "The 'HD' stands for 'Hell-Damned'."
— The Order of the Stick
%
…jeder der "exit" in seine bashrc schreibt und mich ewig danach suchen lässt wieso man sich nid einloggen kann wird ab sofort gesteinigt
— german-bash.org
%
This is a pile of dead dwarves, an Elephant, and a cloud of Miasma. Those are the three most prevalent features in Boatmurdered.
— Boatmurdered introduction
%
They may appear as mounts during a siege, though it's difficult to take an invader seriously when mounted upon a giant slug.
— Dwarf fortress wiki about Giant slugs
%
The highlight of the last few bug-fixer sessions was definitely yesterday, when the king of my dwarves appointed a visiting merchant's yak as the general of the army while I was trading.
— Toady One (24.5.2014)
%
Siegfried hatte eine Achillesverse an der Schulter.
%
Runic86: "[…] adding lesser demons, i mean, not everybody is the boss down there, right?"

PopeRichardCorey: "That's just it, my friend... These ARE the lesser demons."
— Bay12 Dwarf fortress forum
%
That's against my code. I come from a long line of noble thieves who only steal for personal gain.
— Klepto (Gastro Phobia)
%
I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time. Otherwise, I'm afraid you'll become the immediate past president of the being-alive-club.
— GLaDOS (Portal 2)
%
You: How have things been?

Tulon Tunlikot, Mayor: Well, let's see... we've got the army on the march, beasts, bandits and bone-chilling horror.
— Dwarf Fortress
%
It was inevitable.
— Almost anyone in Dwarf Fortress 40.1
%
This is DF2014

Nothing happens without lack of reason.
— RealFear (Dwarf Fortress Forum)
%
Everything is messed up, you can enter a goblin dark fortress and they start killing each other, go to a tower and the zombies kill the necromancers, walk around a friendly city and people run from you and children stab you in the back. Everyone spits at you, but always miss anyway, you can have a polite conversation and trade with a merchant while dodging his swinging knife. You pummel a bandit to death in front of his friends "Just now Urist McAdventure attacked Bandi Stealstuff" "It was inevitable".
— kiefenz (Dwarf Fortress Forum)
%
mineforce: I miss the old version where people are sane.

kiefenz: You mean the one in which you kicked a chicken and everybody fearlessly tried to murder you?
— Dwarf Fortress Forum
%
OH NEIN! Merkel spricht Frankreich ihr Vertrauen aus. Das ist ja furchtbar! Noch mal schnell dort Urlaub machen, bevor alles zu spät ist?
— fefe
%
Darth Vader hat bessere Umfragewerte als alle Präsidentschaftskandidaten in den USA. Alle bis auf vier haben schlechtere Umfragewerte als der Imperator. Und man muss schon bis zu Jar Jar Binks gehen, um Figuren aus Star Wars zu finden, die noch unpopulärer sind als der Großteil (aber nicht alle!) der Kandidaten.
— fefe
%
When I unretired [the fort], I had the cabinets all be unbuilt in the bedrooms, a wagon in my dining room, all the caravan guards were now part of my fort, almost everyone was in their bedrooms asleep, and the forgotten beast was hanging out in one of the unoccupied bedrooms. Also, the merchants from the caravans started going berserk a few seconds after I unpaused. I just assumed they all had one hell of a party.
— TacoSundae84 (Dwarf Fortress forum)
%
Newton ist tot, Einstein ist tot, und mir ist auch schon ganz schlecht.
%
Now, at first glance Minecraft is a game about making buildings and then feeling incompetent when you look at other buildings that are way, way better than yours.
— cracked.com
%
Ich habe keine Lösung, aber ich bewundere das Problem.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
%
His super power is to make everything boring.
— Parley (Gunnerkrigg Court)
%
Besonderere Hinweise: Vor dem Verzehr Zettel aus dem Keks nehmen.
— Glückskekspackung
%
Fun facts:

1. Das European Extremely Large Telescope steht nicht in Europa.
2. es ist tatsächlich extrem groß
%
Das Schienbein ist ein perfektes Sinnesorgan um in dunklen Räumen scharfkantige Möbel zu finden.
— ibash
%
Um eine Datei zwischen zwei Formaten zu konvertieren, braucht man mindestens drei Programme: eins, um das Ursprungsformat zu lesen, eins, um die Daten zu konvertieren, und eins, um das Zielformat zu schreiben.
%
Vitruvius: "How do we get inside?"

Emmet: "In a spaceship."

Benny: "SPACESHIP!"
— The Lego Movie
%
Emmet: "No! They're expecting us to show up in a bat-spaceship or a pirate spaceship or a rainbow-sparkle-spaceship."

Batman: "One of those sounds awesome to me."
— The Lego Movie
%
Basically the difference between a Mantis and a Teddybear is… everything.
— True Facts About The Mantis
%
Kennt ihr den schon? Regligiöser Fundamentalist weigert sich, um[sic] Flugzeug neben einer Frau zu sitzen? Ihr könnt ja kurz mal raten, welche Religion. Hint: Die Tatsache, dass das nicht sofort klar ist, sagt an der Stelle alles.
— fefe
%
- Wait harder Jacob!! We need results now!
- **I'm waiting as hard as I can!**
— Buddy & Jacob (Precocious)
%
The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest: Killing you is hard. […] You know what? You win. Just… go.
— GLaDOS (Portal 2)
%
Furthermore, each eye can move independently of the other, allowing the chameleon to look at two things at once. This however makes it painfully obvious when the chameleon is no longer paying attention to you.
— True Facts About The Chameloen
%
- So The kayak travels through time?
- Sure! Just like everything else! It also goes over water.
— xkcd
%
I can't believe you made me use my phone like a phone!
— Walky (Dumbing of Age)
%
- "Did she use magic on her?"
- "Nah, magic makes **sense**. What she does defies the natural order."
— Order of the Stick
%
Go make some new disaster
That's what I'm counting on
You're someone else's problem
Now I only want you gone
— GLaDOS (Portal 2)
%
Soon we won't be a bankrupt nation; we'll be a starving artist nation. It's basically the same thing, but it sounds way sexier at parties.
— 7 Ways My Modern Country Turned Into a Dystopia Overnight
%
Der BND hatte Spitzel beim Axel-Springer-Verlag […]. Das ist überraschend, finde ich, denn damit wären sie auf weiter Flur die einzigen gewesen, die beim Axel-Springer-Verlag Erkenntnisgewinn vermuten. Auf der anderen Seite ist der BND ja noch nie durch Kompetenz aufgefallen.
— fefe
%
I am not mad. I am well aware I am in love with an idiot.
— Dorothy (Dumbing of Age)
%
**I put the curse of competence on your firstborn son!**
— fortune teller (Dilbert)
%
Step one: trust your instincts.

…unless your instincts are terrible.
— Vitruvius (The  Lego Movie)
%
Windows.h must be the worst engineered header of all times.
%
Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?
— Captain Yossarian (Catch 22)
%
My smartphone promised to keep track of how many calories I burned every day, and then promptly congratulated me for hitting my daily mark after I jogged down the highway at 65 mph for 45 minutes.
— Cracked.com
%
Wait, wait, wait. Why the hell do you have a raven stockpile?
— peskyninja (Dwarf Fortress Forum)
%
Es gibt inzwischen Ook!-Interpreter in Ruby, Python, Perl und C# sowie einen Ook!-zu-Brainfuck- und Brainfuck-zu-Ook!-Konverter in Java, Object Pascal sowie Brainfuck und Ook! selbst und damit bald mehr Ook!-Interpreter als Ook!-Programme.
— Wikipedia über Ook!
%
Die ganze Welt dreht sich um mich, denn ich bin nur ein Egoist.
Der Mensch, der mir am nächsten ist, bin ich, ich bin ein Egoist.
— Falco, "Egoist"
%
200 frames. Two hundred friggin frames monster-free.
— Taupe, Overseer of Doomforests (Bay 12 Dwarf Fortress forum)
%
There's a mandatory floor meeting at tonight at 7. I'll see you there, or nobody will ever see you again.
— Ruth (Dumbing of Age)
%
Man, I'm never around for the fun stuff, but I'm sure as hell always around for the messy aftermath, aren't I?
— Sarah (Dumbing of Age)
%
Nothing personal, it's just business. **Lord** Business.
— Lord Business (The Lego Movie)
%
Microsoft verschenkt jetzt Software für Linux. Die Apokalypse muss echt kurz bevorstehen!1!!

Update: Die Linux-Version segfaultet bei mir aus dem Stand. Vielleicht haben wir doch noch Zeit.
— Fefes Blog
%
- Why are all of your letters addressed to "Commander Badass"?
- Yeeeaah… That's my official title.
— Manly Guys Doing Manly Things
%
Think of it this way: You can either have some snooty elf screaming in your face about trees, or you can have some kobold doing its best impersonation of how snooty elves act squeeking and trying to wave around the long flowing hair it doesn't have in a mockery of elven tradition.
— NW_Kohaku about a kobold diplomat for elves (Bay 12 Dwarf Fortress Forum)
%
Tipp: Schlösser aufschließen geht am besten, wenn man den richtigen Schlüssel verwendet.
%
Let me get this straight, the four of you built a house and all four of you forgot where it was?
— Gavin
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It's submodules all the way down!
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Any headline that ends in a question mark can be answered by the word no.
— Betteridge's law of headlines
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Believe me, my friend. I too have spent many nights trying to drown my sorrows in guacamole.
— El Macho (Despicable Me 2)
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There is no such thing as anonymized data.
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Damn it — I can be just as stubborn as this thing.
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Stopped cats from dying of alcohol poisoning after walking over damp tavern floors and cleaning themselves (reduced effect)
— Dwarf Fortress release notes (0.42.03)
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The thing I hate about optimism is that it happens so often, they gave it a name!
— Ruby (A Modest Destiny)
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Darauf möchte ich nur in nichtöffentlicher Sitzung antworten.
— Aus dem NSA-Untersuchungsausschuss
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These comically huge homepages for projects designed to make the web faster are the equivalent of watching a fitness video where the presenter is just standing there, eating pizza and cookies.
— The website obesity crisis
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Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy because you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say.
— Edward Snowden
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Become a programmer, they said. It'll be fun, they said.
— whatthecommit.com
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Ich hoffe, das sieht niemand. Ich hoffe einfach, das sieht niemand.
— Gronkh
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- We're going to be in **so much trouble** — and it's all **your fault**!
- Aw, you *always* say that.
- Because it's **always true**!
— Aldin and Hoffmann (Girl Genius)
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Here comes your 19th nervous breakdown
— The Rolling Stones, "19th Nervous Breakdown"
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Die ham immer was zu tun, immer was zu tun
Das Leben ist zu kurz, um sich auszuruhn
Die Harten stehn mim Spaten im Garten
— Tobias Mann, "Immer was zu tun"
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WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
— Ingsoc, 1984
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I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR HEAD AND HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH IT!
— Crystal (Order of the Stick)
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0005971: Fat dwarves eating causes lag.
— Dwarf Fortress Bug Tracker
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WHAT YOU THINK THE DOCTOR IS GONNA DIAGNOSE FROM UNDERNEATH THE PATIENT?
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Ohmygod. I'd built a self-destruct lever into my smelter.
— Please don't tell my parents I'm a supervillain
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Kurze Durchsage der Uno: [Internetzensur ist eine Menschenrechtsverletzung](http://thehill.com/policy/technology/286236-un-rights-council-condemns-internet-blocking).

Leider kann ich das Video davon nicht zeigen, weil Youtube sich nicht mit der Gema einigen konnte.
— fefe
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Clinton: "S-so, uh, what brings you here today?"
Emily: "Dogs!"
Clinton: "...Dogs?"
Emily: "Dogs! ♫DOOOOOGS♫ Dogs!"
Clinton: "Dogs?!"
— Clinton & Emily, Questionable Content
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The Republican National Convention in Cleveland, the most apocalyptic thing ever to happen to that city and bear in minds, their river has repeatedly caught fire.
— John Oliver, Last Week Tonight (2016-07-24)
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Professor, my program won't compile and also it's displaying eldritch runes.
— Emily (Questionable Content)
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My father one wrote a monograph on how to communicate in the workplace.

All seven popes ordered it **burned**.
— Gilgamesh Wulfenbach (Girl Genius)
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Despite our protests, most celestial objects don't give a shit if we can see them or not.
— cracked.com
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Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
— Stan Kelly-Bootle
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I have one of those metabolisms where I can eat whatever I want and my body converts it into energy and stores the excess as fat.
— xkcd
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Nobody hates software more than software developers.
— Jeff Atwood
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Anyway, there's plenty of room for doubt. It might seem easy enough, but computer language design is just like a stroll in the park.

Jurassic Park, that is.
— Larry Wall
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Well, **I** have learned that parallel Dimensions are **super boring**.
— League of super redundant heroes
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Frog Smoothie.
— Emily (Questionable Content)
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undefined is not a function
— Javascript
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The financial crises of the nineteenth century were successfully ended by ending the century; they were succeeded by the crises of the twentieth century.
— The thrilling adventures of Lovelace and Babbage
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Every programming language embodies in it a philosophy about how problems should be solved. C reduces all problems to manipulations of memory addresses. Java turns every problem into a set of interacting objects. JavaScript summons Shub-Niggurath, the black goat of the woods with a thousand young, to eat the eyes of developers.
— The Daily WTF
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In 1969, a group of three former U.S. military officers led an invasion of Earth's nearest peaceful neighbor in space. At the end of their eight-day mission, *nobody* was left alive on the moon.
— cracked.com
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For example, it would definitely be horrible if your browser’s scripting language combined the prototype-based inheritance of Self, a quasi-functional aspect borrowed from LISP, a structured syntax adapted from C, and an aggressively asynchronous I/O model that requires elaborate callback chains that span multiple generations of hard-working Americans. OH NO I’VE JUST DESCRIBED JAVASCRIPT.
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Scott Pilgrim ISN'T REAL?!
— Pintsize (Questionable Content)
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She's booooring! She doesn't want to commit any crimes. She doesn't have your super power, so she can't make me a dark energy powered hair dryer I can use to terrify the scientific community.
— Lucyfar (Please don't tell my parents I have a nemesis)
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This is a lot like teaming with Lucyfar, only without forgetting to commit your crime because you got distracted by terrifying a man who kicked a dog.
— Apparition (Please don't tell my parents I have a nemesis)
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- “Listen, I can't talk right now. I'm at school… in a closet… A locked closet.”
- “HUH?! D'joo scone the local protein *already*?!”
- “…It was a small, cheerful girl that did this, actually.”
— Paranatural
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You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
— Lennon–McCartney, „Revolution“
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These days the probably all come with deep learning or whatever. Drones, I mean. Maybe cats too.
— Black Hat (xkcd)
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The Computer is your friend. The Computer wants you to be happy. Happiness is mandatory. Failure to be happy is treason. Treason is punishable by summary execution.
— Paranoia
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This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
— Battlefailed/Failcannon
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The Sofa King is Sofa-King finished here.
— Duke Nozzle (Erfworld)
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Denn wenn die Amis Recycling sagen, meinen sie "Export nach China". JA SUPER!

Unzivilisierte Barbaren! Nicht wie bei uns, wo Recycling-Zeug nach Afrika geht.
— fefe
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Most space charts leave out the most significant part – all the space.
— pixelspace
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If you were waiting for the opportune moment… that was it.
— Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the caribbean - The Curse Of The Black Pearl)
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Ein Freund, ein guter Freund,
das ist das Beste, was es gibt auf der Welt.
— Comedian Harmonists
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Amazing. Every word of what you just said… was wrong.
— Luke Skywalker (The Last Jedi)
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Websites that collect quotes are full of mistakes and never check original sources.
— Randall Munroe
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The Programmers’ Credo: we do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they were going to be easy
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You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need
— The Rolling Stones, „You Can't Always Get What You Want“
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Nicht umsonst steckt in dem Wort „Seele“ das Wort „See“. Und „le“.
— Gronkh
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Tonight, we're going to talk about cryptocurrencies. Everything you don't understand about money combined with everything you don't understand about computers.
— John Oliver
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Look, that's not an ”Explosion“. It's just a rapid unscheduled disassembly.
— How Not to Land an Orbital Rocket Booster
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The female angler fish comes in many shapes, colors and shades. Of ugly. It's like a rainbow. Of ugly.
— True Facts About The Angler Fish
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It's weird how I'm constantly surprised by the passage of time when it's literally the most predictable thing in the universe.
— xkcd
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If you base medicine on science you cure people. If you base the design of planes on science they fly. If you base the design of rockets on science they reach the moon. It works… bitches.
— Richard Dawkins
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Staatliches Handeln, insbesondere polizeiliches Handeln, darf nicht kalkulierbar oder vorhersagbar sein […].
— Der Polizeipräsident in Berlin
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Häh? Wieso kann ich mit der Kettensäge keine Möwe töten?
— Gronkh
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I was nauseated by the sun. There is no hope!
— Rîsen Dakasalåth, baroness consort of Shippowers (dwarf fortress)
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Ich hab 'ne Idee: Wie wär's, wenn wir nicht mehr auf die Rakete steigen?
— Gronkh
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Ok here we go, they're making the game. Our hardcore survival cyberpunk office workplace game.
— Let's game it out
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That is the US president displaying a level of indifference to human suffering rivaled only by robots and housecats.
— Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
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Here, we will explore true facts about the octopus. Deep in the depths of the o-cean lives a marvellous creature sometimes referred to as the ”flappy flappy spider of the sea“.
— True Facts About The Octopus
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This is absolutely insane. To be honest, after studying this for quite a while I still don't understand how to use this feature outside of my exploit.
— Omer Gull, "SELECT code_execution FROM * USING SQLite;"
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Well I've got some good news everybody: I think the replicator works.
— Let's game it out
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Spielleiter: Du musst deine Waffen deklarieren

Spielerin: Messer, Messer, Messer und Messer.
— World Tree-Rollenspiel
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Hallo. Ich bin ein mächtiger Vampirrr. Und ich verrrkaufe Karrrtoffeln.
— Gronkh
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At a certain point hunger outweights fear, which is also incidently the official slogan of Taco Bell.
— John Oliver
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Revenge is a dish best served by dinosaurs with lasers.
— Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
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The beach is exactly three things, none of which are medicine:

- It's sand that goes down your asscrack,
- saltwater that goes up your nose
- and sun that burns your skin.

The beach doesn't cure anything except you being comfortable.
— John Oliver
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We're not seizing the means of production over mashed potato conspiracy theories.
— Will (Sleepless Domain)
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Aus einem Klingelmännchenstreich kann auch gerne mal ein Atomkrieg werden.
— Nicolas Wöhrl zum Friedens-IG-Nobelpreis 2020
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Sitting on top of a rocket is more dangerous than sitting on a bottle of gasoline!
— The Tyranny of the Rocket Equation
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It is Shell. Everybody thinks to know Shell but few know what they do when they write Shell.
— Carsten L.
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For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled.
— Richard Feynman
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Das ist das Lebenselixier der Informatiker: man weiß, dass es nicht geht und versucht es trotzdem.
— Rolf Würtz
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Oh no, I did something *right*.
— Josh (Let's Game It Out)
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Neben die pig ranch mach ich mal 'nen schönes Kohlfeld. Da stinkt's nach Schweinen *und* Kohl. Was gibt's denn Schöneres im Sommer?
— Gronkh
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- Aric: ”You deserve a medal for optimism.“
- Lemmo: ”I'll get one someday.“
— Blank It
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if your frontend has a build time of 20 minutes I would advise you need to considerate some life choices
— Christoph M.
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It's very important that things *glow* in the future. Otherwise how are you supposed to know its from the future?
— Josh (Let's Game It Out)
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Guys, we can't do a civil war even if we wanted to. The median age in the US is 38. I am 38. I am tired and weak and my wife won't let me Civil War except on weekends. Do you really think this generation has enough vacation days for this sort of thing?

We cannot pit brother against brother because scheduling 2 men who work and have kids for a single DAY is a non-starter. You want to campaign for [checks notes] FOUR YEARS?

Can you imagine doing a Civil War on zoom? 3 second lag and half the time your enemy can't even log in.
— Zach Weinersmith
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Das Programmieren von Turingmaschinen ist sehr umständlich, eigentlich nur etwas für Masochisten.
— Prof. Hans Simon
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vim users know how to exit. They just chose not to. Everyone else is a vim prisoner.
— B. Michaelsen
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The fact that a patient is deceased influences the clinical process. Also, in human communication and relation management it is necessary to know whether the person is alive.
— FHIR specification
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- Minrah: „Does everyone in you group have weird emotional issues?“
- Durkon: „Eh, tha cat's pob'ly fine.“
— Order of the Stick
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1. Pommes gegessen
2. Beim Bielendorfer gewesen
3. Globale Katastrophe
— Reinhard Remfort (Optisch inkorrekt! Folge 24)
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We simultaneously have a "labor shortage crisis" and a "border crisis" due to people coming for work, and as far as I know this is not widely viewed as, you know, a little silly.
— Zach Weinersmith
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Ransomware ist kein Angriff

Ransomware ist schlechtes Wetter, für das sie unpassend gekleidet waren.
— fefe
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The three rules of the Librarians of Time and Space are:
1. Silence
2. Books must be returned no later than the last date shown
3. Do not interfere with the nature of causality.
— Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!
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String length is about as meaningful a measurement as string height
— qntm
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Best practices are more like ”ideas to consider because I got into trouble a few times“
— Zac Burns
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- Dumbledore: I'd like to introduce our new teacher for defense against the dark arts: Professor Gandalf!
- Gandalf: YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!
- Dumbledore: Oh, that's a little harsh. Classes haven't even started.
— How Harry Potter Should Have Ended
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I'm not giving up yet because I'm a woman on a mission to slightly improve her jigsaw puzzle experience. And I will stop at nothing.
— Simone Giertz
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My son, this is *Mechanicsburg*!. If a big iron statue comes banging at the door asking for sanctuary — sanctuary it *gets*!

And *no questions asked*!
— Girl Genius
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He's no whale. He's an underwater cop.
— The First Horror Movie Written Entirely By Bots
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I have since been working with HTTP pretty much daily. For twenty-five years.

If someone tries to tell you that HTTP is an easy or simple protocol, don’t believe them.
— Daniel Stenberg
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```
Syntax error in navigation subsystem on line: all of them
```
— Advent of Code 2021, day 10
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Endlich! Ransomware in Rust!

Damit hat die Ransomware ein höheres Zuverlässigkeitsniveau als das Betriebssystem darunter.
— Fefe
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I was playing as intended, I have no idea what happened!
— Josh (Let's Game It Out)
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Let's see: We need a serving table, a table table table and a bench bench bench.
— Josh (Let's Game It Out)
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Ellis: We are back on the HMS Cunning Stunt!

Jake: Yup. The Cunning Stunt has taken off! I'm currently driving… the Cunning Stunt… and… we're driving the… Cunning Stunt… around this planetoid… taking care not to fumble any words in the process.
— Worst Premade Ever
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Ich hätte noch ASP um dich zu heilen. Ich muss nur an Borbarad vorbeikommen.
— DSA-Rollenspielrunde
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Ich habe gerade ein Problem. Der Kater trinkt das Experiment.
— Methodisch Inkorrekt Folge 210
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You're filled with determination…
— Undertale
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Asgore left me five messages today.

Four about everyone being angry. One about this cute teacup he found that looks like me.

Thanks, Asgore.
— Alphys (Undertale)
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Was ist Podcast? Podcast ist Cyberradio.
— GAG 340: Tauben, die Raketen steuern und Kybernetik
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Wars not make one great.
— Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back
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It looks like our Journey begins in an… escape pod. With all the modern essentials of living: e-mail and air conditioning.
— Josh (Let's Game It Out)
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Now the game starts with one basic container. And in it we've got some essentials, like some kind of seed, as well as some space food, space oxygen and space water.

But we don't have very much extra space space.
— Josh (Let's Game It Out)
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all i know is… seeing what comes next… i can't afford not to care anymore
— Undertale
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What I like about you is that you're PASSIONATE! You're ANALYTICAL!!

It doesn't matter what it is! YOU CARE ABOUT IT!!

100-PERCENT!! AT MAXIMUM POWER!!!
— Undyne (Undertale)
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Ants have reverse chemtrails – regular citizens spraying chemicals everywhere they go to control the government.
— xkcd
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A fast executing language that crashes all the time is like a supercar… that crashes all the time.
— No Boilerplate
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It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If you take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale.
— Iroh (Avatar: The Last Airbender)
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Once the male finds a hidey-hole with a potential mate, he has to convince the female to come out and party.

Now it might not look like much, but this is sort of like an upside-down version of the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet, but they both have bongos and Juliet is potentially a pissed-off cannibal.
— True Facts: Tarantulas
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Figure 6 represents the string “gggijgziifiiffif”, which by pure coincidence happens to accurately represent the authors’ verbal reaction upon learning that “unquoted strings” were a feature intentionally included in the Perl language.
— 93% of Paint Splatters are Valid Perl Programs
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it's our 47,727th youtube subscriber special stream (we thought we'd be on 50k by now!)
— Worst Premade Ever
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Despite everything, it's still you.
— Undertale
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[The security minister] was there to talk about the prime minister’s new fraud strategy (fighting it, not perpetrating it).
— The Guardian
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Many sharks can swim quite quickly. This comes in handy, because sharks live in places where there are sharks.
— True Facts: The Curious Adaptations of Sharks
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Well, you know what they say: if you want to save the world, you got to push a few old ladies down the stairs.
— Bernard (Day of the Tentacle)
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##### Spider Bake Sale

All proceeds go to real spiders.
— Undertale
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So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger-all down here on Earth!
— Universe Song (Monty Python's The Meaning of Life)
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Musk hatte angekündigt, Twitter zu einer Plattform der Redefreiheit zu machen. Er ließ nach der Übernahme eine Reihe von Benutzerkonten löschen, die ihn kritisierten und parodierten.
— Wikipedia-Artikel zu Twitter
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Yes, it's a nightmare, but it's _my_ nightmare.
— Josh (Let's Game it Out)
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Boy, I wish I could cast spells, but all I got is an expendable first-born child and a willingness to work under a questionable immoral arcane master 'til the end of time!
— A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] - Warlock
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Warum heißt es Hackerangriff und nicht Schlingel Sign-On?
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Die Verwaltung sollte wegkommen von diesem PDF-Fetisch.
— Casey Kreer
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We've tried ignorance for a thousand years. It's time we try education.
— Joycelyn Elders
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I mean but come on. This looks like two buddies having fun together. Like Calvin and Hobbes. If Hobbes was firmly attached to Calvin's ass.
— True Facts: Incredible Crab Stories
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What a horrible thing we've done to the landscape. I *love* it!
— Josh (Let's Game it Out)
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Be eggsalad to each other!
— 37C3
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The fact is that ever since the invention of writing and very possibly since the dawn of humanity itself different cultures have migrated, intermingled, split off and recombined and there is _no_ period of human history when this has not been the case.
— rewboss
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They implemented only one compression algorithm.

It was `memcpy`.

In other words, their vaunted patent-pending compression algorithm was “copy the data uncompressed.”
— Raymond Chen über SoftRAM
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It isn't "wrong", just different. Unnecessarily difficult in many ways, but in other ways refreshingly straightforward, so long as you can keep the cosmic horror only just barely out of sight.
— Porting libyaml to Safe Rust: Some Thoughts
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It's amazing how good governments are, given their track record in almost every other field, at hushing up things like alien encounters.
— Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
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In wissenschaftlichen Untersuchungen zur Lichtverschmutzung dient die Abkürzung ALAN häufig für nächtliches künstliches Licht (*artificial light at night*). Leider lesen sich deshalb viele Artikel so, als würden sie sich passiv-aggressiv gegen einen Menschen namens Alan richten […]. »ALAN kann sich auf eine große Vielfalt nachtaktiver Tiere auswirken«, heißt es in einem Aufsatz. »Schon geringe Aktivitäten von ALAN können deutliche biologische Auswirkungen haben«, behauptet ein anderer.
— Ed Yong, Die Erstaunlichen Sinne der Tiere
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Linguistics is a portmanteau of Linguini and Breadsticks.
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The guests wanted answers. What was that noise? Had it scared the horses? Were the horses all right? Had the weather worsened? Did anyone check the horses?
— The Name of All Things
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Parachute use did not reduce death or major traumatic injury when jumping from aircraft in the first randomized evaluation of this intervention. However, the trial was only able to enroll participants on small stationary aircraft on the ground […].
— Parachute use to prevent death and major trauma when jumping from aircraft: randomized controlled trial
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Ah, the cactus.

Truly the most tsundere of plants.
— Undertale
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Also, your entire email address can't be longer than 60 characters. If it is, you'll get the error message "Email Address must be no more than 128 characters".
— William O'Connel
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Wenn deine Webseite mit Firefox Enhanced Tracking Protection nicht geht, dann solltest du keine Webseiten machen dürfen.
— Fefe
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While human entrance to adulthood is marked by pimples, useless hair on our genitals and college debt, the adult odonate get frickin' wings. We totally get screwed.
— True Facts: Carnivorous Dragonflies
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This is a cool little poll some anthropologists did, in which they asked 65 mammalian biologists–by which I mean biologists who study mammals, not biologists who ARE mammals. I mean, I assume they are mammals but just to be clear the study doesn’t detail whether any of them are, like, Argonians or whatever.
— Skepchick: Why are Scientists Ignoring all the Gay Animals??
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I also apologize in advance for the lack of metric units in this video. Yes, imperial units are ridiculous, but we're talking about America here so get prepared for feet, gallons and diet coke hamburgers per bald eagle.
— Not Just Bikes
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I think programmers have become inured to incidental complexity… when they encounter complexity, they consider it a challenge to overcome, rather than an obstacle to remove. Overcoming complexity isn’t work, it’s waste.
— Rich Hickey
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"We value your privacy" is really the digital equivalent of a mugger admiring your phone.
— Paul Kunert
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These snakes are sometimes called “flying snakes” because “falling snakes” doesn't sound as good.
— True Facts: How Snakes Move
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is it safe to use `__SECRET_INTERNALS_DO_NOT_USE_OR_YOU_WILL_BE_FIRED` ?
— Github-Ticket
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Nintendo finally released a game where you primarily play as Zelda. By all rights they should have called it “Legend of Link.”
— Rebecca Watson
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Hey dogs, look at me: You are beautiful, you are special and you matter. As for cats: you don't need my validation and you know it.
— John Oliver
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The Elves would have used the Möbius Fencing Company instead, but their contract terms were too one-sided.
— Advent of Code
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Wir hoffen, dass Sie Ihre Energie nun darauf verwenden, Ihr Sicherheitsniveau an die gängigen Standards dieses Jahrhunderts anzuheben.
— Linus Neumann (CCC) an d-trust, Januar 2025
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I'd have you lot up in front of the University authorities first thing in the morning if it wasn't for the fact that you _are_ the University authorities…
— Mustrum Ridcully, Soul Music
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Muffet pours you a cup of spiders.
— Undertale
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Gabby: “Nick, I am gonna message your mother. Okay? I'm gonna message your mother and send her a very strongly worded letter and say your son–”
Cath: “–is an absolute _dick_!”
Nick: “She's like: ‘yeah, I know, he's your problem now.’”
— WorstPremadeEver
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Das Einzige, was ich mir wünsche: Keine Leuchtturmprojekte. \[…\] \[Der\] Anwendungsfall des Leuchtturms ist, möglichst auf große Distanz zu sagen „_hier nich' hin! Hier nich' hin!_“. Das ist die in Stein gegossene Aussage eines Leuchtturms. „Bitte weiträumig meiden! Gefahr!“ Und die sagen halt: „Wir machen ein digitales Leuchtturmprojekt“ und dann wundern die sich, dass alle drum 'rum fahren.
— Linus Neumann, LNP518
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Minimalism is a scam invented by Big Small to sell more less.
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Und dann hatte ich _das einzige Mal Recht_ und es war nicht live!
— Tommy Krappweis
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All I know is that in total, 15 members of the 12-person crew died prematurely.

Look, when you’re dealing with supernatural curses things get mixed up.
— The Fungus behind King Tut’s Curse is a LIE
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Oh my god, it's time for more Satisfactory! Oh how I missed you factory with not rules, limits or logic!
— Josh (Let's Game it Out)
%
Alex: “It's a cold and miserable country.”
Ellis: “Well it _was_ a cold and miserable country.”
Alex: “Now it's just a miserable country.”
— Worst Premade Ever
